Life is precious and I want to live it
How do you live yours?
Today's writing dear reader is all about our own precious life and how we use it. We all have an unknown amount of time on this earth. For those who regularly read my posts, you will be aware I thought my time on earth was going to end when I went in for my operation on 11th March this year. Fortunately, it didn’t and I am still alive. For that, I thank the anaesthetic person’s skill, whose special concoction of drugs kept me alive without anaphylactic shock occurring again. The surgeon wielded her blades successfully, the nurses nursed awesomely and I am still here.
So now what do I do? Before the operation, I found myself in a space where not much mattered except the essentials. For me that turned out to be quiet times with my hubby and partner, play times with my kittlets and meditation time with the Buddhas plus lots of deliciously naughty food thanks to our local bakery.
Over the past few months, I had made many plans for what I wanted to do after the operation. Time was going to be filled with the long list of exciting activities, that I had not been able to do during the past year of illness. But as it turns out, whilst they would all be lovely things to do, none of them in and of themselves matter in the face of death.
What mattered when it came down to it was peaceful love. I craved calmness like a warm blanket on a cool eve. I needed to be surrounded by the warm glow of love. The non-judgemental, accepting and focused kind that ensures needs are fulfilled joyfully. That kind of love, kindness and compassion creates an environment in which one can peacefully live and die.
Coming out of the operation nothing has changed. I find myself resisting entering into the tumultuous river of life. Yes, I am still in communication with family and friends, yes I still need to do admin and plan my return to work. Yet all of this is being done within boundaries set by peaceful love. My body and mind talk, I listen and act accordingly. The physical healing from the hysterectomy requires time and I am honouring that.
Yet a question keeps attempting to disturb my mind as I simply do not have an answer for it dear reader. That question is simple:
What do I do with my precious human life?
Many potential answers bubble up intermittently throughout the day and night, alongside the ’I’m just Ken’ track from Barbie earworm I seem to have contracted 🤷🏼♀️ now that is a movie I recommend watching before you die!
On the one hand, I could reluctantly go back to management consultancy and the business world. On another, my heart yearns to set up a creative business based on my love of pottery and writing. I have looked at jobs within the charity sector and even retraining opportunities…the potentials go on.
Now my sickness insurance payouts are at an end I NEED to do something that brings in money. We cannot live off one wage in this household during a cost of living crisis that is unlikely to disappear any time soon. The figures simply do not add up. This is why I have finally enabled subscriptions on my substack. Even if only a handful of you subscribe it will make a meaningful difference to my income levels. For that, I thank you in advance.
Practically though, however I end up bringing money into our household, will any of the options answer the question?
What do I do with my precious human life?
I am curious as to whether a career or business venture is even part of the answer. My experience of a year spent in bed with pain, fatigue and anxiety has shown me life is more than any one label, one job, one role. Life is more than how we generate money, despite what our capitalist society would have us believe.
Life really is all about love.
To give and receive love is ultimately what we all crave. It is what we feel good ‘in’. Being surrounded by love is a priceless experience that is described so much more eloquently by
in her many posts about love.So how do I work towards making love the core of my life practically? After all, love cannot provide me with my favourite smooshed avocado and poached egg on toasted sourdough bread now can it?
Regardless of what I practically end up working as, I know I need to continue to surround myself in love. The only way I know to keep generating love for myself, others and the world in general is through my practice of Buddhism. The deeper I go into it, the more I become in tune with our true nature, which is pure love.
When I eventually lie on my deathbed, if I have lived my life in love I will not regret anything. If my intentions are all imbued with love, I know that I will have done my best to not purposefully hurt anyone. Making balanced choices as best I can in this imperfect world, where no action is without some unknown effect. Knowing that the memories I leave with others are generally positive and that I have helped others in whatever meaningful ways possible is how I want to live my precious human life.
I have been inspired here on Substack by multiple writers who live life gently, slowly, and intentionally
to name but a few. I will be doing the same in my unique style.For the moment what that looks like is:
Allowing my body to heal at its own pace
Comparison is the thief of joy and love. This extends to operation healing times as spouted in several online forums. Ignore and let my body do what it is going to do when it feels like it.
Tracking my much-neglected blood glucose and carb levels
I have been fluctuating between pre-diabetic and diabetic for years. It is time to take my head out of the sand and get a handle on this as know it affects my body and mind in unhealthy ways.
Walking outside daily (weather permitting)
The outside world and I are not the best of friends for many reasons. This relationship needs to change. Fresh air and sunshine are nature’s healers. I want to learn to love the outside world again. Proof of my daily walks will be appearing in notes, starting with these glorious magnolia tree photos.
Ensuring intentionality in my daily puja and meditation practice
If I am not careful, reciting pujas (prayers) becomes monotone in voice and heart. Prayers and the meditations within them have continued to be been life-affirming, changing and maintaining experiences. Time and effort have been joyfully applied to make this so. This must continue.
Only doing work that aligns with my values and health needs
I want to work with positive, life-affirming and changing organisations. The charities, the social enterprises, the community interest groups and the creatives. These contain the people I want to work with. The world needs more help, more support, more love and I need to support those that enable that to happen.
Gentle calendar management allows time for relationships and health to flourish
It is a standard quip in polyamoury circles that you have to be an awesome planner to maintain multiple relationships for a reason! Organising date nights, important celebrations and relationship maintenance time for multiple people can be challenging. Add in ensuring health needs are met and diaries become quickly full. Maintaining my relationships and my health will require dedicated time. This requires firm but gentle boundary setting when it comes to calendar management.
Bringing awareness of loving impact to all my communications
If you have read some of my past sub-stacks and notes, you will know I can get angry about the state of the world in general. Whilst it is important to acknowledge that anger, it is not good to vent in a way that potentially upsets others needlessly. There are ways, as many excellent sub-stacks have shown me, to communicate my feelings powerfully with loving intentions meant to heal not harm. The same applies to any communication. I have started by reading a book on non-violent communication. But as my hubby regularly reminds me, my ‘not-so-passive aggressiveness’ still needs work. It will take practice and patience. Determined to master the art of non-violent communication though as it is so important to my living a life in love.
So that dear reader is how I intended to live my precious human life. How do you live yours? Do you have a plan? Do you let things flow? Do feel free to share below in the comments.
Thanks for sharing Elly!
And in reply to your question…. With love.