An Apology to my Body

Hysterectomy Grief is a Thing

I am sorry for putting you through the trauma of a hysterectomy. It is a huge operation. A significant part of my body is gone. Chucked into the biological waste disposal bin at the hospital. The life-giving functionality of my eggs, my womb all disposed of like the leftovers from lunch. It was wrong of me to treat you as disposable. Yes I know you caused me 30 years of physical and emotional pain. But still, in this moment I recognise your almost magical life-giving powers and acknowledge it in a way I was never able to when you were here.

I desperately wanted a child. Someone to nurture, to love, to belong to. To feel the maternal bond. To love more than anything in the world. To have a reason for existing. Yet the younger version of me decided to never put another child through my traumas. A decision I never fully questioned till it was too late. Practically and emotionally it was the right decision though. To not give birth to a life I had no hope of not damaging. My whole adult life had been mentally spent in darkness, repression and fear. I could not bring that upon another life. It would not have been fair. Yet you caused so much of that. Your hormones caused my mental issues to be exaggerated beyond what I could cope with. Without them, I may have just been sane enough to have dealt with life differently. To work through my depression, mania and wounding, without inflicting it on others so dramatically. To learn how to be in healthy relationships with others and life in general. Instead, I suppressed my anger and emotions, and went from one chaotic situation to the next, from one abusive relationship to the next. Over and over. How could I put a little one through that?

The relationship between our body and mind should be symbiotic. Mutually working together for the good of the whole person. Yet often the body and mind do not work together well. The body and mind’s delicate ecosystem is easily put off balance by internal conflicts, by the food we feed it, and by the environment we live in. No human will ever be born or live in perfect circumstances. All we can hope for is it good enough to survive and if we are lucky, thrive.

I never realised how much I did not like my body and mind. They have never looked, felt or worked right. If only my body and mind wasn’t so wonky. So now here I am. My body was attacking my mind it seems (PMDD). Now I am without hormones thanks to the hysterectomy. Now I can finally live without them affecting my mind in such destructive ways. Yet here I am, in tears, feeling incredibly down. But that is ok. This is me dealing with it, acknowledging the loss, the grief, the pain. Writing it down, working through the emotions, allowing mental as well as physical healing to occur. No repression. No guilt. Nothing but healthy acceptance of my feelings.

AI image from Canva - Woman sat on bed grieving in turquoise dress and purple surroundings

I now know I probably would have been a good enough parent despite everything. I like to think I would have done everything in my power to give my child a good life to the best of my abilities. But that child will never exist and I feel sad but OK with that. I have never wanted to be a parent and all that entails. I have never longed for the lifestyle my friends with children have. I have never felt that a child would complete me or make me happy. I never felt the societal pressure to conform to the stereotypical life model. In fact, I purposely turn against those expectations. It turns out I can desperately want a child, without actually wanting a child and everything that comes with that responsibility.

The contradictory nature of what I have written does not escape me. We humans are full of contradictions. We can be fine and not fine at the same time. Allowing all the contradictions to exist at the same time is allowed. Working through each emotional pathway to its conclusion when able to do so is allowed no matter how long and winding that may be.

So to those who have gone through those big operations, those big life-changing things we need to do in order to live our life, I say be gentle with yourselves. There is no straight-cut path to healing physically or emotionally. It is perfectly normal to hold a myriad of feelings that contradict each other simultaneously. It is perfectly normal to be happy one moment and crying tears of sadness the next. It is normal for our body to feel capable and fit one day, and broken and unsafe the next. All this is normal. And if you don’t feel any of what I have described then yes, that is also perfectly normal.

I’m taking part in the Sparkle on Substack 24 Essays Challenge. This is Essay number 1 for me.